The Google Reader Situation

                                      ME

What the fuck’s happening?

                                     GOOGLE

I just accidentally shot Google Reader in the face.

                                     ME

Why the fuck did you do that?

                                     GOOGLE

I don’t think I meant to do it. I said it  was an accident.

                                     ME

I’ve seen a lot of crazy-ass shit in my time….

                                     GOOGLE

Chill out, man, it was an accident, okay? The web hit a monetization bump or somethin’ and the kill switch went off.

                                     ME

The web didn’t hit no motherfuckin’ monetization bump!

                                     GOOGLE

Look! I didn’t mean to kill the whole RSS thing,  the kill switch just looks at monetization, don’t ask me how!

                                     ME

Look at this mess! We’re surfin’ around on six hundred bookmarks in broad daylight!

                                     GOOGLE

– I know, I know, I wasn’t thinkin’ about the aftermath.

                                     ME

Well you better be thinkin’ about it now, motherfucker! We gotta export my content and get set up on some other knockoff site now. Users tend to notice shit like you can’t read posts anymore.

                                     GOOGLE

Can’t you just take your data to a friendly place?

                                     ME

This is the wild web, GOOGLE. I don’t got no friendly places in the wild web.

                                     GOOGLE

Well, don’t look at me, this is your Data.

[I google a list of Reader replacements.]

                                  GOOGLE

Who ya searchin’ for?

                                     ME

A site I heard about on Twitter.

                                     GOOGLE

Where’s Twitter?

                                     ME

On the useful side of Silicon Valley. If Feedly’s ass ain’t workin’, I don’t know what the fuck we’re gonna do. I ain’t got any other partners in the RSS world.

[creates account on Feedly]

Feedly! How you doin’ man, it’s ME.

[pause]

Listen up man, me an’ my homeboy Google are in some serious shit. We got 600 RSS feeds we gotta get off Reader, pronto! I need to use your storage for a while.

INT. FEEDLY. MORNING

Both ME and GOOGLE are inside the new interface cleaning up. GOOGLE is in the front seat importing data, while I’m in the backseat, organizing little blog feeds that haven’t been updated in years

                                     ME

I will never forgive your ass for this shit. This is some fucked-up repugnant shit!

                                     GOOGLE

Did you ever hear the philosophy that once a man admits he’s wrong, he’s immediately forgiven for all wrong-doings?

                                     ME

Man, get outta my face with that shit! The motherfucker who said that never had The Old Reader shut down in his face after reorganizing all his feeds on account of your dumb ass.

                                     GOOGLE

I got a threshold. I got a threshold for the abuse I’ll take. And you’re crossin’ it. I’m a race car and you got me in the red. I’m not evil! Just know, it’s fuckin’ dangerous to be drivin’ a race car when it’s in the red. It could blow.

                                     ME

You’re gettin’ ready to blow? I’m a mushroom-cloud-layin’ motherfucker, motherfucker! Every time my fingers type “Feedly” I’m “SUPERFLY T.N.T,” I’m the “GUNS OF NAVARONE.” I’m what Jimmie Walker used to talk about. In fact, what the fuck am I doin’ in the back organizing feeds? You’re the motherfucker should be on “organizing the world’s information” detail. We’re tradin’. I’m auto-importing and you’re putting everything back in folders.